Three is for me….maybe.
Remember when you were young and you’d imagine your perfect family?
Married to a Chris Hemsworth type of guy who can cook, clean and fix a leaking tap.
A house that has a beautiful kitchen, large backyard and is always clean.
Then of course there’s the children. You’ll noticed I’ve written children, plural because for me there was always going to be more than one. But I’ve never had my “perfect” number. And this indecision has reared its ugly head to bite me square in the backside.
I’m 32. I have two boys – a 5 year old and a 4 year old. Life is getting sweet again. No nappies. No bottles. No day sleeps. I’ve tossed the cots, the baby clothes the strollers. Its party time. We can pass the boys off to in-laws for the weekend and on most nights are able to get a full night sleep unless we are home free!
Yet…YET, all of a sudden my heart hurts at the thought of not having another one. Out of no where, after my eldest started school in January, the desire to push the rewind button has hit me in the face and left me looking around to see who did this to me. Why am I considering this? Actually its gone past consideration. I am in full blown planning mode: “So if we conceive at the end of this year I’ll have my maternity leave from about August…”
What is going on?! And more to the point what am I going to do? I really should reframe this into what are “we” going to do as my husband plays a pretty crucial role in this situation. After I broke the news to him I still didn’t get any closer to making a decision. His relaxed “happy to go with the flow” is nice and all but if someone else could make this decision for me that would be great.
So I’ve done what any normal logical thinker does. I made a list. I’ll go with the negatives first because I’m a “rip that Band-Aid off” kind of chick.
1) Going back to the start.
This is the real life version of landing on that big snake at the end of Snakes and Ladders. You know the one right at the top and you have to slide your sorry arse counter back down to the bottom? That would be us. Days and nights full of “Oh man, I forgot about the sleep exhaustion, sore nipples, erratic routines and putting said child into bed only to hear them fill their nappy.”
Now I will admit I was blessed with the first two. Day sleepers – crap beyond belief. But night we got really lucky. BUT what if I give birth to a night owl? What if the third is life handing me a big bag of karma for being blessed with two good kids? Not to mention we would have three, THREE children. My husband and I would be officially out-numbered. I don’t know if I could handle that pressure.
We are in a lucky position where financially we could have another child. But things are not getting cheaper. I am literally turning into my grandmother who used to “tut” at the price of petrol. “$5 for ONE Lego man? I could get a Barbie set for $11 in my day.” Toys aside, we do have dreams of helping to support our children pay for uni or buy a house. Heaven help us – by the time my kids are adults I’m fairly certain I’ll have to sell a vital organ on the black market just to help with a deposit.
Oh and I did mention I tossed all our baby stuff out right? Well I meant it! If we had a third I think it’ll be called GumTree.
4) The incidentals.
These are the little things that change – holidays being tricky because we need an extra room. Not being eligible for the 2 adults, 2 children deals. Two is company, three is a crowd. Having my youngest be a middle child which I’m not 100% he would be happy with.
You can see why the logical side of my brain is going “Jesus lady – if you have another one, I quit because I can’t work under these conditions. PEACE OUT!”
Then there are the positives. The reasons that my heart is telling my brain to shut its cynical mouth.
1) I get the honour of bringing another human being into the world.
I get to hear those first cries and hold this precious bundle in my arms knowing that I am witnessing life’s biggest miracle. I get to smell that glorious smell, kiss those teeny fingers and tickle the tiny toes.
2) The extra love.
I will love my husband more for helping me create another child. I’ll have another child to love and, well when they have kids I am SURE they will really understand how much I’ve done for them (if not they can shove their deposit up their backside). The extra love I’ll see my boys have for their new sibling (I am going to ignore the potential for more fights and arguments).
3) The extra set of hands I will have for when I’m old and need someone to change my nappies.
Seriously it actually scares me that they’ll never visit and only sling me a box of Celebrations once a year only to be stolen by Gladys from the next room over whilst I sleep. But by having another child I am lowering the odds of this happening. I hope.
4) The incidentals.
The cuddles. The new baby smell (I’m saying this again because it’s so glorious!) The giggles. The pride. And the biggest gift a parent is given for having kids, to watch my children grow into adults and have their own children. And the best part in that? You can hand those ones back because Bingo starts in 10 minutes.
So here I still am. Undecided. Unsure. Unsettled. Would I be happy with two? Of course! I’ve been blessed with two healthy kids. And let’s not forget to mention I got pregnant from literally looking at my husband. But would I be that lucky again? Maybe my eggs have packed up and left the building. But one thing is for sure and certain – I will never stop wondering “should we?” And when the next 10 years goes by within the wink of an eye will I be disappointed that we didn’t take that chance.
It is true what they say when you have young children – “The days are slow but the years are quick.” Until I decide whether or not to take that leap, I’ll keep writing in hope that other mumma’s voices as well as my own will lead me down a path that I am happy to go down.
Three is for me…maybe.